As the mother of two young daughters, I have always patted myself on the back for not neglecting my personal marital time (that means “sex life”, in code, in case my grandma reads this). But I’d be lying if I said our intimacy hadn’t been tainted by our parental status. In fact, I think he may kick me out of bed if I slip up one more time and accidentally reveal the fact that I have been pondering the school lunch menu while he’s trying to seduce me.
If only there was a special pill I could take at the end of a long day of parenting, one that would help me to tune out all the chatter in my mind about math homework, pull-ups, the dwindling supply of teething tablets, and the pee-soaked socks lying in the hall way. If only….
~Do you find you are unable to prevent yourself from blurting out inappropriate mom-related oddities during intimate moments?
~Is your husband tired of hearing you interrupt foreplay to ask if there are any gluesticks in the house for your daughter’s school project?
~Have you ever alerted your partner to the malfunctioning sippy cup you need him to look at, just as he is attempting to fondle your mom-parts?
~Look no further! Put a stop to these embarrassing moments with MOMBIEN, the brand new drug that eliminates parental distractions and gets mama in the mood for some lovin’! Pop just one MOMBIEN to free your mind of clutter, fire up your libido, and hop into the sack with your sex-starved husband!
Are you “touched” out after a long day of toting around the barnacle that is your toddler? Does the idea of one more pair of hands groping you make you want to lock yourself in the minivan with a box of wine? If you have suffered through a long day of nursing, potty-training, and picking up Legos, all you need is one MOMBIEN and you’re ready for action! Those bothersome personal boundaries and pent-up irritations will be a thing of the past.
It may not turn you into a sex goddess, but at least you won’t be a Mombie.
Wondering whether there’s a special pill just for your husband? Have no fear- men are fully equipped with their own built-in system for eliminating parental distractions. It’s called a penis.
*Originally appeared In the Powder Room
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